


Whisper

by SerenityTWD



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Angst, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-03
Updated: 2015-08-03
Packaged: 2018-04-12 16:56:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4487436
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SerenityTWD/pseuds/SerenityTWD
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After being brought back to life, Buffy's life is filled with despair and misery. Buffy POV about her feelings. WARNING!!! Dark Fic!!!! Starts Season 6 with Buffy's resurrection and goes off-canon</p>
            </blockquote>





	Whisper

I lie in my bed, buried beneath the blankets as I slip further into the darkness. For a while it had seemed that things were going better in my life, but it was all a façade for the sake of my friends and family. Weeks turned into months as I floated through each day feigning happiness; pretending that everything was just fine and dandy in my daily life, when in all honesty I was miserable. Now, as I huddle deep in my blankets, sobs wrack my body and I seriously contemplate why I am still here. 

I guess I should start at the beginning; otherwise my story will be very confusing. It all began with my death; very heroic of me, really. In order to save the world, as well as my little sister, I jumped to my death from a tower built by the minions of a hell god determined to destroy humanity. While this alone should have been the worst moment in my life, amazingly it was not. Nope, the worst day in my life came one hundred and forty seven days after my death. It was when I had to claw my way out of my own casket, past the layers of dirt and grass. That’s right; I came back from the dead. Wasn’t the first time, but that’s an entirely different story.

Nobody could really understand the fear that coursed through my body when I woke up inside the silk lined coffin; unless, of course, you experience it for yourself. Which, I don’t recommend for a good time. Gasping for much needed air, I scratched and clawed my way through the smooth material and thick pine until I reached the dampened dirt; then I clawed some more until I was lying on top of the soft green grass that had grown on my grave. I was alone and frightened as I wandered around the seemingly abandoned town. Fire blazed from barrels, car alarms shrieked loudly and demons roamed about freely, destroying homes and businesses along the way.

After Dawn found me, she took me back to the house and cleaned me up as best as she could; however, the wounds on my knuckles were still raw and seeping with blood. This was the way Spike found me. As he sat across from me, I knew that he was the only one who understood what I was going through; being a vampire, he had had to claw his way out of the dampened earth over a century ago. He had experienced first hand that unsettling fear. I saw the understanding and adoration flowing from his arctic blue eyes. Eyes that had once held nothing but loathing for me, but now shone brilliantly with something more than the lust he had professed before my death. It scared me how much love was in his gaze.

As time passed, my friends grew more and more worried about my stability. I was sullen and moody, always keeping my distance from my loved ones. My dear sister, Dawn, could barely stand to be in the same room with me. Willow and Xander tiptoed around me, as if my sanity resembled eggshells; all the while wondering why I wasn’t grateful that my loving friends had rescued me from death. They would have never understood that when I was around them all I felt was sadness and regret, the only time I felt anything else was when I was with Spike; being with him made me feel…something.

My friends who rescued me from death with dark magicks that they were not trained in, the ones who were so sure that I was suffering in some horrible hell dimension; while never imagining that the Higher Powers would reward me with an eternity in a place for heroes. A hero, that’s what I was; I guess I still am, although I don’t feel like it. I can’t say for sure that I was in Heaven, but it sure felt like it. For once, I was at peace. I was completely happy and calm; two feelings I thought I would never truly posses. Then, it was all gone and I was forced back into the world that I had grown to hate. I can’t blame my friends for being concerned, though. I never told them where I was. Only Spike knew. I honestly can’t say why he was the only one that I told.

It wasn’t long before I began spending more time in his darkened crypt than out in the real world with my friends and family. Eventually, our silent evenings turned into something more…more intense. With him, there was this feeling of being complete that I had never experienced with anyone else. Not even Angel. Especially not Riley. Even now, months later, I’m unable to put a name to how he made…makes me feel. Is it love? I honestly don’t know. I can say with a certain amount of awareness that it was so much more than lust.

Over time, the darkness that surrounded me had finally started to dissipate. Being surrounded by my overly perky friends made me smile instead of cringe and slink out the back door in search of something to kill. My days were filled with training with Giles, researching with Willow and Xander and taking care of Dawn. My nights, however, were spent in his arms. I came out of my shell when he was inside me. I did things that I would have never imagined I could do. He took me to new heights of pleasure, made me scream his name in ecstasy. And still, when faced with the disappointed glares of my loved ones when they found out about my nightly “extracurricular” activities, I told him to leave me alone; to go away and never return. That he was beneath me. Me, of all people, the one person in our little group who hated life and desperately ached to not be among the living anymore. I will never forget the anger and hurt that filled his beautiful blue eyes. 

Afterwards, my mood apparently grew worse, because my so-called loving friends and family began disappearing. It started with Giles, who could no longer be bothered with helping me adjust to my new roles in life. Apparently, as long as he was around, I would never learn to be a responsible adult. I was slacking in every department; taking care of Dawn, running a household, and, hell, even slaying. Since I had been spending most of my time in the arms of my enemy, the local evil population of fair Sunnydale had begun running amuck. Of course, he had made sure to point out that very issue. I had disappointed him the most I believe by getting involved with another vampire; probably not my finest moment. No one seemed to care that Spike was the only one who made me feel alive, which was the only reason I was still here. One second Giles was there, consoling me and helping me, and then he was gone, back to England…to his other life.

Then there was Dawn. Our father called, concerned about her well-being, after receiving a phone call from that obnoxious social worker, Mrs. Kroeger. When faced with an inevitable move to foster care, Dawn packed her bags and left me for our normally absentee father. Never once did he ask about me. Of course, no one ever told him about me dying; so all he knew was that our mom had died and I was left in charge; at which I was constantly reminded that I was failing miserably.

Next went Xander. He just couldn’t deal with anything anymore, so he split. Got offered a construction job in Los Angeles and took it without a second glance; even left his fiancé bewildered and alone. Of course, he had already admitted to anyone who would listen that he was having doubts about getting married, so it was no surprise there that he split. Anya still worked at the Magic Shop, but we only recently found out that after Xander’s disappearing act she resumed her previous job as a vengeance demon. No one could blame her really; especially me. There had been plenty of nights when I contemplated giving my friends a good taste of what I was experiencing.

It took a while longer for Willow to disappear. She faded out gradually, first from our house and then out of my life completely. She was too consumed by her magic and Tara to worry about me. Just before the beginning of the new semester at school, she announced that she had decided to move back into the dorm. I cried and begged her to stay at first, too scared to be on my own. Her response was that it was for the best, that she didn’t understand me anymore. Apparently some time apart would be beneficial for the both of us.

So now, I’m alone and frightened of the outside world. Well, the outside REAL world scares the hell out of me. The things that go bump in the night, the things that normal people are afraid of are the only things I’m not scared of. Bring on the vampires, Polgara demons and giant snakes. Bills, plumbing damage and being alone…I think I would rather stay bundled up under the covers.

I wish Spike was here. He would make me feel normal, or as normal as I’m allowed to be. But he’s not here and never will be again, because I hurt him. Made him leave. For once, someone left me because I told them to and not because they just didn’t want to be with me anymore. Other than Spike, everyone else in my life has left. It started with my dad and ended with Willow. Out of all of them, the evil soulless creature who should not have the capacity to love is the only one I want here with me now.

I honestly cannot remember the last time I got out of bed, other than for a trip to the bathroom. I think it was a couple of days ago, maybe. I’m too tired to care, really. It’s not like I have any reason to get out of bed…or live for that matter. As I lie here, my eyes swollen from crying and my body too weak to move, I wonder why I’m here. No one will miss me if I am gone. Not like last time. Nope, since my resurrection I’ve done nothing but disappoint everyone. Hell, it’s not like I wanted to come back. No one cares that I was the one wronged by this whole situation. Nope, all they care about is that I wasn’t the Buffy they buried. I was happy in Heaven, now I reside in the Hell that is Sunnydale. I just don’t want to be here anymore. Maybe I shouldn’t be.

As I lie in my childhood bed, I want to end it all; make all the pain go away. I looked over at the ceremonial dagger on my desk that I had used over the weekend, probably still had slimy guts on it from the demon I killed with it. I crawl out of bed, sit on the floor and stare at the tiny blue lines running under the pale skin of my wrist. I wonder if it will be painful. I figure there is nothing more painful than being alive. Slowly, I drag the shiny metal dagger down my soft skin, mesmerized by the bright red blood that seeped onto the carpet. Mom would be mad at me for making such a big mess. As I watch the blood flow from my wrists, I realize that I was right; there was a sharp pain, but nothing I can’t handle. I’ve been through worse.

After a few seconds, I start to feel really weak and dizzy, so I lay down. It feels almost like taking a painkiller and drifting off into a deep sleep. I lay there, staring out my open bedroom window and wonder how long it would be until someone finds me. How long would it take until I was missed?

I smell the faint scent of stale cigarette smoke before I see him; a shock of platinum hair, a flash of black leather at my window and a worried expression. I wonder if I am dreaming. There is a look of confusion on his face when he realizes he isn’t able to climb through the open window; stopped by an invisible barrier. Willow must have carried out her threat to do another disinvite spell so that Spike couldn’t enter the house.

His lips are moving and tears streak down his beautiful face; I hate causing him pain. I wonder if he knows how much I care for him, that this had nothing to do with us. His screams barely penetrate my mind as he beats against the imaginary field in front of him. 

My eyes are becoming more difficult to hold open. I can feel the darkness enveloping me. With my last bit of strength I look at Spike, my sad green eyes locking with his frightened blue ones. I try to speak, the words coming out so softly that only the sensitive hearing of a vampire will be able to hear me.

“I…love...you.”

They were the last words out of my mouth. His beautiful face was the last thing I saw before slipping away; letting Death take me.


End file.
